Back In The Scan

My annual "cancer Doctor tour" is about 2/3 of the way complete. It should have been over by now but I've been thrown a curve ball or two in the process.

During my annual physical, my Doc ordered a CT Scan and x-ray to see why I've been coughing more than usual the last two months. I had a little virus and cough in early May. It hasn't gone away completely, so the Doc ordered the tests. So now I'll get two scans this go around––the next one is the CT Scan with contrast which always messes with my head & body––because I need more radiation, right?

As I was being shoved into a tube for the scan, I did my usual meditation to relax and ignore the tube. Everything was cool until I got fully into the machine and it started up. The noise from the machine sounded just like it did when I went through 7 weeks of radiation. Being the human that I am, it broke my concentration and I felt my heart skip. Too similar. Too real. So unexpected.

Now it lasted all of 3-4 minutes. Radiation was about 20-30 minutes, depending on where I was in the stage of treatment. So I used that to keep me from rising up out of the slab and running out of the building. That would have been quite funny since I was half-naked and quite unnecessary. And I will have the "full monty" scan very soon.

Not looking forward to that one.

An Angel Amongst My Friends

Normally, I don't use this forum to promote or solicit raising money––unless it's something that hits close to home. As you can see by this link, http://bit.ly/HV28fG, this is about saving lives and continuing to build the end of the road for cancer.

Check out Erin's message and story. She's full of life, energy, compassion and is putting it to the best use of all––helping others.

Thank you, Erin, for being an angel.

Forget About It?

I read an article today about Kylie Minogue, Pop Star and cancer Survivor and you can find the entire article here http://aol.it/L22wwA There was one thought that stood out to me: "Over time, people have tendency to forget about it. Not me. A day does not go by without me thinking about it. Just looking in the mirror is enough––the scars are moral and physical."

Ms. Minogue is 7 years in remission. I'm on my "tour" of yearly check-ups––already went to my Oncologist––in what I hope will be the last round. I'm praying for 5 years cancer free (well, except for the skin cancer, that is). Yes, there were a few days I didn't think it was possible. But having a great mental attitude is KEY in fighting cancer. Not the idealist attitude or faking myself into thinking I'm going to beat cancer but true resolve, hope and fight to see what the day has to offer. No matter how good or bad the day turns out.

I know what she's talking about––those mirrors can be brutal and not in the "who's-the-fairest-of-them-all" way because that's NOT reality. And on my visit to Dr. Felice––my Oncologist––we talked about appearances. He said something to me that was really comforting in a strange way. He said, "you're almost 5 years from the cancer. You look great. People would never know you had cancer so recently. And that's good and bad. Good, because you are alive and cancer free. Bad, because you have long-lasting side effects that people can't see and you know how limiting they can be." How true. And something you do not want to admit when you're working and trying to stay ahead of the game.

I've posted before about my friend Matt, a cancer survivor who has been in remission for almost 20 years, who told me I'll get to the point where I don't think about cancer every day. And he was right, I don't think about it every day.

But just like Kylie Minouge, I won't TOTALLY forget about it.

Keeping It Together.

It's been a long month since my last post. I have to admit it's not been a lack of thoughts/experiences/stories to tell. Just the opposite.

My Mother's birthday was April 26. I didn't do too well the days leading up to her birthday––my Mom passed away in October of 2011––and with Mother's Day looming, I'm thinking about her even more.

I lost one of my best suddenly two weeks ago. Too young and full of life to go but he did. I still haven't come to grips with his passing. And with his birthday in less than a month, I'm sure I'll be thinking of Larry even more.

Work has been challenging, as time off seems impossible. I've already changed my vacation plans twice due to work. With 4 weeks of vacation––I negotiated that before I came on board––to take in the next 6+ months, I'm looking at losing some of that I'm sure. Not to mention the fact that I need to take days off for my cancer check-ups. Which, by the way, start today. And that's another mental process to add to the rest of the bullshit. Yeah, I'm not myself. I'm angry, frustrated, emotional and searching for answers to questions that have no answers.

Like I said, keeping it togther. One minute at a time.

Stopping For A Thank You

I've been contemplating shutting this blog down. But a few of you have told me "no."

So, for the very few who read my blog, I want to say THANK YOU. I feel privileged you take some time out of your busy life to read what I write.

And I'll keep writing.

April Fools

I was working through the day yesterday, in my yard with my Wife and oldest Grandson. It was April Fool's Day and the pranks were running through my head like a kid through a sprinkler on a hot summer day.

Then I had some of the morbidly funny thoughts I have from time-to-time as a result of surviving cancer (twice). I settled on a fantasy world created as I mowed the lawn, cut & pruned some trees and pulled enough weeds to make my arms feel like Popeye after he's downed his spinach. (For those of you born in the last 30 years, you can find more on Popeye here).

I thought, "what if this whole cancer thing was an April Fool's joke?" (Yes, a very bad and cruel joke at that. But like I said, my sense of humor was at an all-time morbid high). What if I was just part of an experiment? I mean, head & neck cancer ("you mean, throat cancer or brain cancer, right?" Wrong)? Caused by the HPV virus? In Men? Yeah, it was quite unusual in 2007, as up until then conversation was centered around cervical cancer and the PAP with HPV test for young females. (My Daughter went through this, so I have some knowledge, thank you very much). What if they looked at me and said, "well, he looks like he can handle this. Let's try to kill him while we keep him alive." We'll put a feeding tube into his stomach––and make him wait for 4 weeks to figure how it works since we've NEVER seen this kind of feeding tube in a patient––cut our part of his tongue, scrape his larynx, remove his tonsils, yank 4 teeth out of his head, give him chemo right out of clinical trials and 7 weeks of radiation (35 total) WHILE we're giving him chemo every Friday for the next 13 weeks and tell him he has to miss work for the next 6 months. Oh, and just when he's finished with all that, we'll give him skin cancer, cut it out of two places (15 and 10 stitches, respectively, and two cold "burns" to remove two other danger spots) and tell him to stay out of the sun as well as out of work.

Yeah, that would've been a helluva April's Fools joke.

I'm not laughing.

The Announcement

I'll never forget that day, November 7, 1991.

I was in my office at work when I got a call from a friend––Magic was going to announce he has AIDs. After I asked him what was the punchline, he told me this was the word on the street. We used to call it the grapevine. And the grapevine in LA is all about who knows who and "the real story you won't ever hear on the news."

I then got up from my desk to try to get rid of the shock. As I was walking down the hallway, a co-worker said to me, "did you hear? Magic has AIDS. He's going to have a press conference around Noon." This was taking place around 10-10:30am, West Coast time. We all gathered in front of the TV in our conference room, eerily silent as we waited like everyone else.

Fast forward 20 years. As I watched "The Announcement" on Sunday, I started to relive that moment. And then, as I listened to Magic talk about telling his Wife and Family, I broke down. Tears were running down my face and I must have looked terrible, as my Wife said, "are you OK? I know how much you love Magic." I turned to her and said, "what he just said about having to tell Cookie (Magic's Wife), I went through the exact thing. Feeling the same way. And I NEVER heard this part of his story before." This blog started almost 4 years ago because I had to share the reactions by other people in my life through the cancer diagnosis, treatments and seeing people for the first time since I had cancer. Magic went through the same thing, but on a much bigger and less private stage. But I knew exactly what he was going through. And how much he had to educate people that he had HIV, not AIDS, and how he and others after him would beat this and live longer than anyone expected.

Thank you, Earvin, for sharing such intimate details about your path. And thank you for your strength.

That is much bigger than The Announcement.