Head Shots

I've been seeing the great USA for the past few months. Which means I've been on the road. Which means I've slept in many hotel beds. Which means way too much time form my Wife and family. Especially since most of the time I've been gone on the weekends. (World record for "I've been" in one paragraph).

Once cancer snuck into my head & neck, I remember thinking that I need to do stuff I always wanted to do––this was part of my "fuck you cancer" plan––because all we really have is this moment. So seeing the sights of America and meeting people all over the Midwest and East Coast has been "work" but a labor of love as well. (Start humming/singing/singing in your head Johnny Cash's "I've Been Everywhere). I've been––there it is again––to the Duesenburg Museum in Auburn, IN, to Dave's Cosmic Subs SOMEWHERE in Indiana, to Heinz Field in The 'Burgh, Cleveland, The D, Indy and Gino's East for some deep dish in Chicago.

But the coolest part of my adventure was the Pro Football Hall Of Fame. If you are a history buff or sports fan or just want to go to a place that is absolutely cool, then make your way to Canton, Ohio and take the tour. Give yourself 3-4 hours and you can even grab a bite to eat there––I saw a Dad and his 9-10 year-old Son eating among others––at the end of the tour before you head out. Why was this the coolest?

Sports has been a generational connection in my family. My Dad was a two-sport star in High School. Mom was a High School basketball player. My Wife was an accomplished swimmer and diver. I had played semi-pro baseball and basketball in college back in the day. And my 4 kids were all athletes in high school––football, basketball, baseball, volleyball and lacrosse––with my Daughter playing LAX in college and had a great 4 year career. My Son & Daughter have both been High School coaches. So when we all get together, we share sports stories, talk about the people we played with and against in our respective playing eras and have a strong work ethic and discipline due to sports.

I thought as I left the HOF that this would be a great trip for my Dad, my Kids and my Wife to take. (When the weather is much better than 12 degrees and snowing). I need to make that happen when soon. I need to do the things that bring all of us some great memories. Show them where I've been.

The photo above is a start.

Chasing Energy

I've been on an extremely challenging "road" the last two months. I've been traveling way too much and working 18 hours days.

I'm trying to be very careful of how much I work. But the same drive and passion I put into my work is the very same drive and passion that helped me make it through the hell of cancer. Thank God I have the greatest Wife in the world who keeps reminding me that I'm not Superman and I need to take care of myself––so much so, that I hear her voice even though she's not physically with me. The struggle to find a balance is constant for all of us. For me, it sometimes seems as if I'm trying to get as much as I can done today because I know that tomorrow I may not be of this Earth.

Yeah, I know that sounds weird––and don't freak out, I totally plan on waking up tomorrow. In Pittsburgh,  if you can believe that. But it's a drive that keeps me going and is also draining my energy at the same time. (Yeah, I know I'm fucked up in the head). I have this overwhelming feeling of missing something. And when death is crawling around in your body looking to take over any minute, that can be the first step to letting my resistance down. I need energy. Not in a 5-hour bottle. Not in a bull can that tastes like bull shit. I need to find the energy in the only place it can be.

Where the hell is that?

So, How Did That List Thing Work Out?

Yeah, that was a planned post string that died an untimely death. Actually, I totally went off the grid the last 2 weeks. So this will be my first list of 2011. And the last of 2010.

This was inspired by talking to a friend of mine today. It's a little raw and dark.

Things That Go Through Your Head After cancer Diagnosis


1. When am I going to die?
2. Am I going to lose my mind?
3. What am I going to tell my Wife, my family?
4. What are they going to do if I die?
5. WTF
6. I wonder how people are going to take the news.
7. Well, I guess that organ donor donation on my driver's license will be ignored now.
8. It would be absolutely ridiculous if I got in a car accident and died on the way home.
9. I think I forgot how to breathe.
10. What did they just say? I think I need to go back in there.
11. WTF
12. I'll give myself a day to cry, wallow in my self-pity and be left alone with my thoughts.
13. cancer will NOT get me. I'm gonna kick it right in the crotch and beat the shit outta of it.

Happy Healthy New Year.

The First Of Many Last Lists

If the title is confusing, join the club. I was trying to find a way to beat the usual "best and worst" lists that seem to pop-up everywhere. And I believe I did this last year or the year before. Whatever, here's the first of the last year. (Oh, that's where the blog title came from).

THINGS TO NEVER DO AT A COMPANY HOLIDAY PARTY LIST

1. Tell the Boss to stop hitting on your girlfriend before you hit him.
2. Try and have an intelligent conversation.
3. If you're a guy, stay away from the hot, young & drunk young.
4. If you're a female, the above doesn't apply to you. For many reasons. Talk amongst yourselves.
5. Show up an hour early. Why? See #3.
6. Tell ghost stories.
7. Forget that EVERYONE has some sort of recording device at their fingertips.
8. Drunk Tweet. (Has somewhat replaced drunk dialing).
9. Drunk Text. (See above).
10. Start drinking at 3pm for an 8pm party. (See #7 above).
11. Mix beer with wine with tequila.
12. Tell someone they look very familiar. Only to realize they are your boss' boss.
13. Ask someone who they are with at your party––when they work in the same place as you. On the same account/project.
14. Talk someones head off who you have never talked to before. (There must be a reason you two never talked before. Sometimes a very good one that you may never know).
15. Compare your party to the party at your last job.
16. Bring someone you're interested in but haven't sealed the deal with yet. Chances are, you may not leave together.

That Time Thing Again

My Daughter came over this morning because she had a dream I died. (This just in––I didn't).

Kaity was so upset that she had to see me. It happened in the morning––her dream, not my death––and it was so vivid and fresh in her mind she wanted to hug and kiss me and tell me how much she loved me. Kaity is my only Daughter. And for those of you who are Daddy's Little Girl or have a little girl, you know that special bond between a Dad and Daughter. Well, it's that way with Kaity & me. She was going to quit college and stay home and take care of me along with her Mother when I had cancer and was going through hell, I mean the treatments.

I've been fortunate to spend a lot of time with Kaity, whether it be through sports or school or school sports. We also talk about her job and how much we both live what we do for a living. I think they call it passion. She has an over-abundance of it, just like her Dad. We both get caught up in the thought and action of making a difference. And lose track of time. I've been doing that again. Working myself to death. Can't seem to bring myself to say "no". Want to create the next best thing, whatever that may be. It used to be I dreaded having to go to work after my cancer battle, having to survive a hostile work environment that featured way too many immature and selfish people.

Now, I have my creative soul back. I have an environment that is focused on positive energy, working hard and playing hard. I have people to work with that I respect and respect me back. Of course, there will always be bumps in the road. And life has a way of slapping you in the face or giving you a wet willie to help you put things in perspective. Our time is so precious, I know that I get caught up in the things that are really not that important. I forget that I still have dreams I have to chase.

While I'm still alive.

Mo' Than Movember

My Son, Travis, is growing a moustache for Movember, National Prostate cancer Month.

Now you've read––or not––my post on Breast cancer Awareness Month. It was a rant that basically called for recognition for all cancers all the time. So while it might seem a bit hypocritical to support those with prostate cancer, tough shit. I've lost 2 family members to breast cancer so I get it, unfortunately. I'm a 2-time cancer survivor myself. And right now, my Dad's prostate cancer is back. Again. And his prostate is already gone thanks to that sneaky, rat-bastard, cancer.

Travis is raising money in honor of his Grandfather. Travis has really grown up in the last 2-3 years, finding himself and maturing in ways that make parents proud. And relieved we didn't screw it all up. His 'stash is helping bring a smile and a chuckle at his '70's porn star look––but also bringing awareness to an illness that hits way too close to home. Travis David––middle name after his Grandfather––is doing what he can do in a big showing. He's got it all over his face. You can check it out here.

I'm growing mine––in a multi-colored fashion––to support my Dad. Who told me right before we walked into the LA Auto Show that "the cancer's back". He also told me he didn't want it to ruin my day but he wanted me to know and hear it from him, or as he put it, "But I wanted to tell you." Funny thing is, I remember when he told me the first time he had cancer. I hadn't had my turn with it yet. My reaction this time was much more peaceful, as strange as that seems. I know that life is one day at a time and cancer doesn't play fair or have favorites. And we've beat it before. So I too, wear a reminder on my face that cancer is killer.

And more than just a month for awareness.

Part Of My Network

I pulled this from Being Cancer, a blogger who has built an awesome cancer community support system. I only hope I can deal with death with such dignity as this person below.

La Cootina
aka The Coot, aka Aunt Crankypants. I am the mistress of Villa DeCay, and dogmom of Miss Molly. I have Multiple Myeloma, a blood and bone cancer. I am trying very hard to be the heroine of my story instead of a whiny crybaby. I succeed about half the time.

So Long, Fare Well

Dear Friends,

Having enrolled with hospice this week has changed my perspective. I’ve been thinking about signing off the blog for quite awhile, and this feels like the right time. I can’t believe it finally happened…but I really don’t have much more to say! Oh, I’ll miss ranting over major and minor annoyances, but you deserve better. My readers — family, friends, and friends I haven’t met — have kept me going for more than two years. I never expected to be here this long, and I certainly never expected to find such a warm, caring community, especially in MM patients and caregivers.

Technology continues to amaze me: this little white box on my table, this seemingly inert piece of electronics, has connected me to an entire network of smart, kind, thoughtful people. Your good wishes and support have meant more to me than I could have imagined. I will leave the blog up for awhile, on the chance that there’s anything helpful here for newly diagnosed MM patients. I will continue to read and occasionally comment on your blogs. But out of concern and respect for other MM patients and their loved ones, I’m going on the next leg of this MM journey on my own.

I have been touched and privileged to share my story and get to know you. I wish all of you great joy, peace, and most of all, good health. Fill your hearts with gratitude and forgiveness until there is no room for anything else. Be good to yourselves and each other.

Love,
The Coot