Thursday, March 4, 2010

Snap Out Of It

I've been in a funk for weeks.

I'm over-thinking things. I'm too emotional. I'm doing too much. I'm letting work consume my every waking moment and creep into my dreams. And in many ways, I can't help myself. Because I'm overdoing it all. And because of that, I'm not accomplishing anything. Am I depressed? Going crazy? Burnt toast?

I am fortunate enough to get paid for what I think. My mind is my hammer, my computer, my co-worker, my instrument. So when my mind is not right, everything else seems to suffer. And that scares me. I need to get focused. Re-center myself. Keep my ass from dragging on the floor. I know all this. I know it will pass. I know I'm human. I know this is part of my ongoing recovery from cancer. I'm just having a hard time snapping out of it. And yet I'm very accepting of the fact that every day can't be a bed of tulips. (I know it's a "bed of roses", but roses have thorns). And sorry to all of you who have had to put up with me during this time.

For me, this is what has happened during my recovery many times. Usually, I have been able to step back and be extremely thankful for being alive and that gives me the juice to get outta the funk. The mental recovery in many ways is much more difficult that the physical recovery from cancer. My life has been changed forever. And I am extremely thankful for that. I'm a better person––I hope. I'm much more patient. I'm much more expressive of my feelings––sorry to those who just said out loud, "oh great. Greg being more expressive is like being blasted with two fire hoses instead of one." I have discovered a writing outlet that now inspires me. So excuse me while I talk to myself in front of you.