Monday, December 8, 2008

My 3rd Nipple

Ok, it's not really a third nipple. (Some of you who know me are probably thinking, TMI right about now.) But a mole had been sprouting right in the middle of my chest FOREVER. And because of the forrest that covers my chest––hair, that is, and again I'm hearing, "hey, too much information––it wasn't getting a whole lot of attention. (Now that's funny on a whole lotta levels.)

I had my 3rd nipple removed today. I didn't know it was going to happen, but I had my 6-month check-up for skin cancer. The Doctor took a look and said, "you want this removed?" I asked if it needed to be removed. He took a closer look and said, "yeah, we better get that out." So I'm thinking I'm going to put my clothes back on and come back another day. Wrong.

"You're going to feel a little pinch." Pinch? Pinch my ass––not literally, of course. I came here for a body scan, not a removal––sounds like an old Monty Python routine The Monty Python Channel on YouTube. And what am I going to do with a gown on, my ass hanging out for everyone to see and in a chair that's about a foot or two off the ground. So he sticks me. And he starts to cut my 3rd nipple out. And of course, I can feel it. So he sticks me again with the numbing stuff. And starts to cut again. And I feel it again as he cuts it out. Just when I tell him I can still feel it––I wasn't watching him do it––he says, "we're all done. Sorry about that. But we'll get this to the lab and let you know in 7-10 days if it's cancerous."

That's OK, Doc. I'll just take my 3rd nipple back and we'll pretend this never happened. Yeah, wouldn't that be great. No pain. No worries. No biopsy. Besides, it's a great conversation piece. "Hey, did you know I have 3 nipples?"

But it doesn't work that way. It's better to know what's going on than not know at all. Since I've had skin cancer, every little mark on my body is under suspicion. I feel like I need a full-body-photo-catalog-clearly-marked-map so I can keep my sanity. I feel like I have to stay out of the sun all the time. (Maybe I could become a vampire, seeing as how popular they are these days.) I'll miss my 3rd nipple. We've had a lot of laughs over the years.

I hope I'm laughing when I get the results.

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